Alternative Fashion Week

I had high hopes for Alternative Fashion Week,  held in Spitafield’s market last week. Apart from the bad tailoring, non-model models and badly coordinated outfits, the thumbs down comes curtsy of the wedding band style electric synthesizer band, which accompanied each of the showcases.

The sound emanating from these people was horrendous.... like something you would hear in some geriatric Nevada brothel elevator. Why did they do this? Who’s great idea was it to have this  wedding band play? You can see that poxy guitar pocking out of the shot.

Anyway, the marketing for the event seemed to imply that this would showcase designers catering for the “alternative”, see fetish crowd.... I expected clothes for the various subcultures...

I wasn’t expecting to see this:

 I mean, how unflattering is this whole tableau mort....  What the fuck is that piece of cloth on the model’s head... and don’t get me started on those trousers.. 

They made a model look pear shaped... what hope does it leave the others.

And if it wasn’t Blackpool granny fashion, then it was WAG wannabe fashion.

That skirt on the far right was so short, that the audience was treated to a full frontal crotch shot. Call me old fashioned, but this looks kinda skanky and desperate. Perfect for queuing up to get into the roof gardens on Saturday.

Then there was the Glastonbury witch fashion brigade. Think fashionista groupie attending a wizard rock  concert. The studding detail included stars and moons. Those socks, suck!

The bemused audience was  also treated to space age cruise collection ... which was a cross between a snog-marry-avoid Lady Gaga wannabe and Anne Summers. Not very serious.

Marvel at these diarrhoea catching pants.. perfect for any space traveller hitting new alien colonies with bad water supplies

                                   Its a long way down honey!

OK, OK, I will stop there. I swore I won't be a bitch on these pages.

Alexandre McQueen seemed to be behind the inspiration here... and talk about Chanel hair. Until you scroll down the picture.

Ribbon-adorned stripper shoes on the catwalk are positively criminal.

Inspired by some of the  mouth guards seen in a Saudi Arabian brothel, this look spells "Take me to your leader."

And finally, for the wife of a leprechaun who  is looking for an outfit to attend a fairies garden party.....

 Mock Victoriana day wear, crossed with a bit of All Saints for good measure.

Now, lets talk about the audience shall we. They look bemused don't you think. 

At one stage, the  fashion bloke in the shades averted his eyes because the  clothes were so bad.  Does anyone know who he is?