So what happens when your home alone on a Saturday night because your pre-menstrual rattiness has driven your boyfriend out of the house for the night and you ditched your plans to go to the Brazilian party you bought an outfit for... well in my case, you have a few glasses of white wine with some cheese and grapes (nothing else in the fridge), dig into a packet of flavoured carbs and start internet shopping at midnight whilst listening to Sioux Sioux on repeat.
I have never shopped on the world wide web whilst slightly drunk before, and I woke up this morning knowing that I had spent £100 on stuff, but could not remember on what exactly. So dear reader, as the invoices come flooding into my inbox this morning, let me share the fruits of my labour.
SO FAR, SO PREDICTABLE
The lingerie houses, Mimi Holiday and Damaris had a sale on the venteprivee website. After much deliberation and body projection, I went for the following items:
Peep bottom boy short in pale pink I bought two pairs because they were reduced from a whooping £40 each to £15, so one will be a Xmas present for a very lucky lady. Nice arse by the way.
Cheeky back silk blend satin knickers (£12 reduced from £29) and underwired balcony bra (£18 reduced from £48) with polka dot design in champagne pink, black & orange - I purchased this because it was one of the only full sets left, and I really liked the back of the string.
So far so pleased – although now I have realised that they cannot guarantee a delivery date before Xmas – although they charge £6.50 for the delivery!!
So, about £60 squids on Lingerie, making a saving off about £X. Not bad
Then, things started to get a bit silly, when I came across a website called FIND ME A GIFT. Check out these Xmas presents I purchased:
Toxic Gases Toilet Caution Cone £2.49
Is there something rotten in the state of Denmark? Mark the contamination zone efficiently with the Toxic Gases Toilet Caution Cone before they smell danger. The Toilet Caution Cone features a warning of 'DANGER! TOXIC GASES...GIVE IT 10 MINUTES' so that your fellow housemates will be well prepared for finding an alternative privy. Can also be used as a hat at festivals during downpours or a makeshift donation box for the below item.
If the recession has hit your pocket and you’re angry with certain greedy bankers, you can now show your displeasure in an appropriate way with this £50 Million Pound Toilet Roll.Featuring one of the key figures in the UK’s financial meltdown, wiping your bottom on this specially created custom toilet paper lets you show your true feelings about the state of the economy and the bankers that still don’t seem to feel any shame for what they’ve done! (Long live our country, this type of stunt would never happen anywhere else but Blighty)
Design a Beaver Magnetic Picture £2.49
Reminiscent of the moustache Magnetic Pictures of yesteryear, the Design a Beaver takes it up a notch to adult entertainment with a twist. Why not design your perfect 'lady hair' shape, take your design to the Bliss salon and show them exactly how you want it. What better way to pass the time than to create new and interesting pubic hair shapes on a magnetic board. Also features the George Bush option - EU Belgium Presidency version coming soon.
If American shows ever taught us anything it is that gay best friends are fashionable, fun and a must have this season. He will give you an honest opinion on your hair and style, loves to shop, will tell you when he thinks your butt looks too big and comes in this handy pocket-sized form. Simply pop him in a pot of water and in 3 days your gay best friend will have grown nearly 600% his original size! talk Sex in the City and boyfriend problems with your new expandable chum.
Roulette Drinking Game Spin n Shot £8.49
Think you can hold your drink? Think again! The Roulette Drinking Game is an addictive alcoholic twist to the original and classic Roulette Wheel! Viva Las Living Room. Fuck the repeated government warnings about the dangers of binge drinking. Bring the crazy nights and glitzy glamour of the Casino into your own home and watch as your guests drink their dignity away.
Remote control stunt granny set £12.99
Don't be fooled by her lovable granny smile Lilly, this elderly Jackass is set to wreak havoc, blasting her way through cans of beans and boxes of cornflakes like a true pensioner of mass distraction. With her own wheelchair ramp and turbo boost button on the remote control, this Remote Control Stunt Granny is a four wheeled Evil Knieval and makes a perfect time waster
So there you have it dear reader - the fruits of my internet shopping labour whilst intoxicated. I also purchased a £5 hammock for my bro, a heart shaped frying pan and some leopard print toilet paper for my boss.
Hope you enjoyed xxx